The Bible is very clear – in this life we will have difficulties. We WILL struggle through times in our lives that are often inexplicable. But there are also moments when we experience the consequences of choices we make, or others make around us that have a monumental effect on us and those we cherish dearly.

Sowing and reaping. The principle applies to all choices. We reap what we sow, later than we sow, more than we sow.

Astonished is the word that comes to mind right now. Astonished when looking back 25 years to see the consequences of actions that landed me in prison then, but where faith and persistence have taken me today.

Were it not for the grace and mercy of God and the vigor in which He pursued me in my brokenness, I wouldn’t be sharing my story—God’s story of brokenness, surrender, and healing.

I looked at the rewards awaiting me in this “world” and traded them for the freedom that was available by simply giving up my right to control my life to a Savior who loved me. The One who knows so much more about the path least traveled than I ever did. I chose to pursue fame, fortune and power over the Fruit of the Spirit. Luxury over the life I was meant to live, tempted to throw it all in for what was temporal, never satisfying and never enough.

“Temptation,” wrote William Shakespeare, is “the fiend at mine elbow.” Somebody else said: “Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.” Temptation itself is not a sin, but it is a call to battle. I lost most of those battles to the enemy’s devices and to my own poor choices.

But I’m not alone. Our core longings for significance, love, purpose, understanding, security, all stem from the need to reconnect with a God who met all our needs when He created us in His image. In the Garden we lived in perfect harmony with our Creator. Every step of the way He met those needs. When we chose to be independent of Him and decide we could know good and evil, that’s when the trouble began. We’ve been haunted by our choice ever since. In my case it costs me my freedom and a whole lot more.

It was November 21, 1995, and I found myself in the precarious position of standing in front of a Federal Judge at the United States District Court in Philadelphia, awaiting sentencing on mail fraud—aiding and abetting, fraudulently inducing persons to travel in interstate commerce and money laundering—criminal forfeiture (whatever that is). All charges stemming from a business partnership gone bad that had begun 11 years earlier. The ostrich defense really isn’t a defense, by the way. Willful blindness won’t keep you out of trouble.

How the heck did I get here?

I was born into a family that taught me to follow Jesus from a very early age. I certainly knew the basics between right and wrong both from personal experience and the teachings of the Bible. That knowledge guaranteed nothing. What I faced was the reality that we live in a world at war. The old adage made famous by Michael Corleone in The Godfather Part II, “keep your friends close and your enemies closer,” isn’t such a good idea when it comes to spiritual beings.

Facing the real possibility of jail time, I mustered all the help I could get from the church, friends and family to vouch for my character. Because I cooperated with authorities when the indictments were handed down, I had hope. Some may call that “ratting”—I call it common sense. But still, that nagging question persisted. How the heck did I get here?

The answer to that question comes from the deeply seated belief that I did not have what it takes to make it in this life. Those beliefs were sewn into me by a father who himself had wounds that were never addressed. Unfortunately, there are times when we bleed on people that don’t cut us. In other words, our wounds and behaviors associated with those wounds influence others to act out in their own dysfunctional way. Especially when the people we bleed on are entrusted to our care as children.

 My father and mother did the best they could under the circumstances. Blame shifting is not what this is about. It’s about understanding that the wounds we take, the arrows that pierce our heart are an inevitable consequence of a world at war. One where our enemy will do everything possible to sideline us from our relationship with Christ, others, and most importantly ourselves. A relationship with self and the knowledge of who God says we are and whose we are is at its core, the most important discovery of our lifetime. Mark Twain once said, “The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why”. The sooner that happens the more effectively we will garner the love Jesus has for us and live into the purpose for which we were created. For all of us that’s to glorify God. For each of us that shows up in as many varieties as there are snowflakes.

I somehow got distracted from the truth of God’s Word and that purpose for which I was uniquely created.

“Don’t keep hoarding for yourselves earthly treasures that can be stolen by thieves. Material wealth eventually rusts, decays, and loses its value. Instead, stockpile heavenly treasures for yourselves that cannot be stolen and will never rust, decay, or lose their value. For your heart will always pursue what you esteem as your treasure.” (Matthew 6:19-21 TPT)

As a seemingly brilliant up-and-comer, I had much of what the world would have defined as the fruits of success but as a Christian more accurately described as the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

                I, too, was hiding behind a fig leaf just like Adam and Eve did when they got caught up in the lie. The lie that somehow being more like God was a good thing—knowing what He knew and more. Placing myself on the throne of my own life and pursuing the worldly ideal of what goodness there is in accumulating things, power, prestige and influence seemed like the antidote to my restlessness.

Not so, though.

As a Christ-follower, yielding to the temptation to get my own needs met in my own way led to a host of failures. Ones that God allowed as a way of disciplining me and bringing me back to the path of His purposes.

Here’s how bad it got. One “cash investor” in our businesses owned a bar and nightclub that fronted one of the backstreets near Broad and Locust in Philly. Flush with cash, he was looking for a way to use it to further invest in something that would bring an even greater return. I would drive up in my ’85 Lincoln Town Car (Signature Series, of course) and wait for the bouncer to hand me a bag of cash—then off I went. I did this on a regular basis. There was a sort of adrenaline rush to it. It was like I was playing mobster at a time when The Godfather series was at its height of popularity. What a Guido I was. Oh boy. I’m German and English with blue eyes, so no chance. No Italian in me, but I played the part with all the swag I could muster.

So, what’s my point?

My identity was wrapped up in this make-believe world. This world that had no value to the Kingdom of God. In fact, it was working against everything God had created in me and ultimately the purpose for which I was created. But I believed my own press. I so wanted to prove to myself and everybody who was watching that I had arrived and was a significant part of this worldly way.

That is the ultimate definition of brokenness—at least it was for me.

How that would play out over the coming years would have devastating consequences for me and those around me. And rightfully so, at least for me. I deserved the consequences of what was sown deeply into my identity as I acted on the temptation that came with every dollar that passed through my hands.

How I decided to meet my own needs with power, money and prestige through compromise and lawbreaking is a mystery. But I did. Guess it didn’t seem all that bad at the time.

I believed my worth was measured by accumulating things, at any cost. Another old phrase attributed to Malcolm Forbes, “He who dies with the most toys wins.” Just ain’t so. Tell that to this 28-year-old would-be entrepreneur looking to make his mark on the world.

My brokenness had to be exposed and my fig leaf torn to pieces. I was on a journey that would take many twists and turns but ultimately lead to healing in the very roots of my life. The roots that had been broken in my relationship with Christ and my true self that God had created in me. Not the false self I had created as a mask to hide all the pain that I had absorbed over the previous years.

Much was ahead. Compromising with cash would not be the defining action for my life. God had much more in store.

After a series of letters written on my behalf and character witnesses who stood before the judge, as well as my own testimony, the gavel came down, and the sentence was declared. God decided to spare me from what I deserved. Grace and mercy abounded, as did the tears of joy that day.

I ended up being sentenced to 90 days in a federal prison. I found out later that my time would be served in Fairton, New Jersey. A medium to medium-high security facility where the likes of Philadelphia crime bosses, murderers, rapists and a whole host of fine upstanding citizens paid the price for their crimes against humanity. Fortunately, I was designated to the camp outside the main facility to serve my time. Still no picnic. But I can say this: God met me when I was in the most broken state ever. Quite frankly, I never believed I’d recover from that brokenness. It was brutal. But necessary as part of my healing journey. Not only healing from the dysfunctional behaviors, but more importantly, recognition that I was chasing a level of significance that only God could affirm. The core longing that was placed in me from the Garden but lost after the Fall. I sought it at any price, in the material things of this world. Cars, boats, real estate and a big bank account. I lost it all, including my freedom.

I had spent the prior five years waiting for this outcome, learning patience, serving wherever God directed, gaining perspective and preparing for the worst.

Life is like a short-term mission trip. What does it feel like to know that we only get a limited time on this earth and that making the most of it is paramount? Satan has no intention of allowing us to be a difference maker for God’s Kingdom here on Earth. If he can influence us into bad behavior, otherwise known as sin, and get us sidetracked, he wins. In his world, we just become one more neutralized Christian.

It’s been 25 years since my release date, and I’m thrilled to be able to tell my story of brokenness, surrender, healing AND redemption.

Friends, don’t let anyone else but God define you. After all, He knew you before the foundation of the world, in your mother’s womb – created for purpose and His pleasure to live through you and love you unconditionally.

I share this good news, that God redeemed it all in my life and He will in yours.